All Points North

How is it that we’ve come this far that so much has changed that technology has enabled such magnificent changes in our ability to communicate that more and more people have a voice and fewer and fewer people are disenfranchised that computers, once the size of a nice suburban semi in the suburbs, are now in the palm of a billion hands that you can now do such fantastical and mind blowing things as book a plane ticket from New York to San Francisco on a 3.5in screen connected to the internet wirelessly that you can then check in and board that plane using the same device and when you’re on the plane connect to the internet again as you cruise at 38,000 feet that you can keep up-to-date with friends from years back whom you would previously have lost all contact with that with a simple string of words typed into a web browser anywhere in the world you can search out just about any information it is possible to imagine which would, until recently, have required weeks and months of research and travel, how is it that

PEOPLE ARE STILL FUCKING ARGUING ABOUT WHICH COMPANY IS ‘BEST’ AND PICKING SIDES.

Dear students,

We’ve barely met and now it’s time for you to go. Presently, the final final presentation has been presented, I’ll likely not see you in the flesh again until you graduate. A solitary certificate and thousands of pounds of debt are all you have to show for it. However, I wish you well in your future endeavours whatever they may be. In the few short months I’ve known you affectionately as “Level 6” your group has done stuff, some of it well. I kid, I kid, you were all awesome at what you did. Sometimes. No, really, you achieved something. Each and everyone of you showed me work that impressed. Ok, ok, some of it was embarrassingly bad, a total clusterfuck of inadequacy, but in an amusing way (for me).

It’s at times like this that students are often found looking for a direction some signposts to the future indicating where to go next. Naturally they look to their older, more experienced and wise beyond comprehension tutors to help them select the right route. Sadly for you, in some cases that is me. Frankly, you’re doomed and I say that with genuine affection.

To look forwards it’s sometimes best to look back and when I look back I think of what I didn’t appreciate after I graduated that I wish I had. Perhaps most prevalent in my thoughts is this: For those of you leaving education to get a proper job it’s now very unlikely that you will ever be asked to perform a task that doesn’t have some transactional value.

What do I mean by that? Well, you may, if you are lucky, get a job in the creative industry, however, your performance will not be graded on a sliding scale of numbers and letters, but in cash. Your value and contribution is now something that an accountant can measure – this can be a wonderful thing especially when you are down to receive some of that money – which will promptly be taken off you to pay for your education and other taxable items. It can also be a pain in the arse as your creativity is curtailed by ‘The fucking suits’, however, the faster you come to terms with it the better in my opinion. Learn what your ‘value’ is and exploit it. Also, you are now at the behest of people who will judge your work without knowledge, reason or, in some cases experience. Get used to it.

The other thing I wish I’d realised was that failure is often as good a learning experience as success. I’m not going to lie to you (well I am, but that’s my prerogative) not getting that job or, worse, getting that job and completely cocking it up and being fired can hurt like hell, it makes you want to hide away and feel sorry for yourself, just ask Gordon Brown, if you can find him. However, I’ve had more job offers off the back of ACTUALLY doing something even where it went tits up. Don’t wait for permission, do stuff – do it and win or do it and get it horribly wrong. Yes, people will mock and criticise you if it all goes wrong, but those same dickheads will be mocking and complaining if you succeed too. The cunts*.

Felix Dennis published a magazine and that’s the only difference between you, me and he. He’s very, very rich now and the only thing separating him from us is three security guards, a million pound mansion, 13 rottweilers and the fact he didn’t think ‘no one will like it I’d best not’ he thought ‘fuck ‘em SEND IT TO PRINT’ It’s marginally more complex than that, but you get my drift.

Know your weaknesses and ignore them. You have maybe a five year window where good people will give you the benefit of the doubt if you’re a bit shit at something but enthusiastic. Not everyone will, but then they’re cocksucking motherfuckers who don’t deserve your time. If, in five years time you’re still shit, well, perhaps reevaluate what you want to be before others do it for you and make you redundant.

It’s been a privilege to see your work even for just this short time, the things I have learned from you will stay with me for at least a week, maybe more – all of it was interesting and challenging in equal measure.

One final bit of advice: unsolicited advice is generally shit, ignore it at all costs.

It’s customary to end this sort of thing with a famous quote because you’ve run out of your own wisdom, often from the likes of Churchill – one of the less well known ones like: “Oooh Yes multi-car insurance is great” or “if you’re going through hell keep going” a personal favourite of mine is “never ever ever give up” however most inspirational quotes only apply if you’re willing to ignore reality. Charlotte Bronte, for example, said “I avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward” when you think about it her neck must have ached like a bastard. Benjamin Disraeli liked to quip, “Sucess is the child of audacity” but really all that means is that Audacity must have been fucked at some point so be careful where you show your audacity off. Aristotle believed that “happiness depends upon ourselves” Doesn’t take a genius to work out what he means there, but if you do it too much you’ll go blind. Neville Chamberlin said “My good friends, this is the second time there has come back from Germany to Downing Street peace with honour. I believe it is peace for our time. We thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Now I recommend you go home, and sleep quietly in your beds” Which, if nothing else proves that politicians are much dumber than even we give them credit for, they are constantly thinking about bed and they lie about all sorts of shit just to get a round of applause. The greatest lyricist of recent time Olly Murrs has words of wisdom too “Our faith is the bullet, hope is the gun And love is all we need Now fear’s on the run We’ve already won Now march with the band, raise your right hand We’ve only just begun” No, I haven’t got a fucking clue either, but it’s pushed this post over the 1000 word count and that’s what matters. However, there is one quote I do like and even if it’s not quite inspirational poster material I have found it to be mostly true in any situation

“Decisions are made by those who show up”

Now go enjoy the future, it’s what you make of it.

*Sorry mum.

Jokes and frippery aside, I’ve really, really enjoyed working with you this past few months and for that I thank you very much, there is nothing better than getting up going to work and actually, honest to goodness loving it. Thanks

Chris Brennon, Broonon, Brown, Brennen Brennan

I wrote a feature for MacUser back in February 2012 and the cover (which I had nothing to do with creating, that was all Adam Banks) has been nominated as one of the PPA top ten covers of the last century. Quite an accolade. I’m incredibly proud to be associated with MacUser and specifically this cover.

The really, really hard part and I mean really hard part of seeing something you like being nominated or recognised in any way is other people. Y’see, other people they tend to have opinions and sometimes they don’t agree with the nomination, competitors, judges or any part of the prize.

Magazine covers especially can elicit strong opinions in people and with a competition such as this one it’s inevitable that some will look at the ten nominations and spit. They’ll have good, reasonable alternatives that could have been nominated instead or they’ll simply throw up their hands in disgust at the terrible, terrible standard of choices. They’ll be angry, upset, nonplussed even and take to Twitter or comments threads or other Internet based social media thing to directly voice their distain. Worse still, because you as the associated supporter will be drawn to any mention of the awards you’ll see their wholly negative view of the standard of entires. Fucking hell it can’t half sting when people pontificate (educated or otherwise) on how a judging panel or award or accolade of any sort are wrong, blind or just plain crazy.

Naturally, I don’t really care as the magazine I feel strongly about _has_ been nominated and therefore I think the judges clearly picked the right covers.

I used to work at Dennis Publishing and I’ve signed up to receive the excellent nostalgia fest that is NTK. Those two seemingly unrelated bits of information were forced together this week when I, somewhat belatedly caught up with a few issues of NTK. I refer you honourable ladies and gentlemen to the section below especially the highlighted section in bold. It made me laugh.

When DENNIS announced the “suspension” of Net ‘n’ Chicks
‘n’ Games ‘n’ Lager magazine ESCAPE this week, the board
said they felt that “the market was not yet ready”. What
they didn’t reveal was that the market in question was
eponymous company owner Felix Dennis. Best known for his
involvement in the Oz magazine trial, when he was charged
with corrupting youth, and the BLENDER CD-ROM magazine
trial, when he was charged with corrupting AUTOEXEC.BATs,

Felix was holidaying in Mustique when he received the
latest issue of the mag. Unfortunately for everyone, it was
raining, and Felix actually read it. One phone-call
later, and it was all over for the plucky – if occasionally
absentee – team. Concerned Dennis employees are now
wondering where the Felix finger of death will touch next.

<
Hint: he was last seen flicking through a mag whose design,
it is said, he feels to be "art wank shit".

http://www.escapemag.co.uk:80/cypherpunk/themag.html

- "look who's stalking" indeed

Why did it make me laugh I hear you not asking? Well, for all the time I worked at Dennis and sometime after that has been the rumour about every magazine at Dennis that launched and failed. In fact, I think the “felix saw it and did X” meme is true even of magazines that do well.

It was said that Felix saw Padder and liked it – have an email that hints at it too, but then Padder died at issue 5 so he can’t have been all that excited – Laughably, it’s also rumoured that he saw it and didn’t like it.

I’d love to know which magazines he really did have an opinion on.

My Hunger Games download didn’t so I wrote to Apple. Wonder if I’ll just get the standard ALL PURCHASES ARE FINAL response? I’m betting yes. 

 

I rented The Hunger Games on my AppleTV and began watching it immediately. About half way through it stopped playing – I checked the Internet connection which reported a constant 20M/bit speed and I was able to use the broadband for other tasks. I restarted both the Apple TV and the Broadband router and the Apple TV asked if I wanted to resume playing where I left off. I selected the resume playing option, but it would not play. I decided to leave the screen showing the download progress bar on so I could check how much had buffered, but it did not budge. A few reboots of the broadband (which was working constantly throughout) and the Apple TV left me in the same situation. Then, after the 40-odd hours were up the progress bar appeared full, but would not let me watch the rest of the movie as my time had expired.

There was no fault with my broadband at any point – the connection to Apple from the Apple TV is logically the issue here. I would appreciate a refund of the £4.49 – which I will promptly spend again as I’ve only made it half way through the film and fewer than half the tributes have been slaughtered thus far.

I went to the Windows Phone 8 launch on Monday and received:

3 glasses water (still)
15-20 finger foods (mixed)
A ‘few’ sweets (Liquorice Allsorts)
A press badge (blue)
Used the ‘facilities’ (once)
Used the coat check service (coat + cardigan)