How 31 year olds consume media

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How 31 year olds consume media
By Christopher Brennan (Ages 31 yrs & 11 months)


Most 31-year-old men nowadays can’t listen to radio anymore as they find Radio 2 too old and Radio 1 too young. They don’t like radio 4 because it makes them feel really old apart from Just a minute and I’m sorry I haven’t a clue. Specifically, radio has become confusing for the 31 year olds as the advent of digital radio means that some football matches are on Five Live Sports Extra and that’s not on their FM radio. They’re at an age now where they are beginning to tell people about how ‘real’ music used to sound and ‘if you didn’t know James or Oasis (in the early days)’ or a shortlist of some others then your musical opinion didn’t really matter.


Most 31 year olds watch television so that they can escape the gaping black hole that is their 40th birthday, which is now closer than their 21st, which seems such a short time ago. Of all the 31 year olds I know they hate soap operas, but love shows such as 24 and Roadwars on Sky. Some like to watch Time Team, but only a few.

31-year-old men watch more TV (generally) than women because although feminism and equality has come along way the girls still have to do the lions-share of the housework as well as contributing to the mortgage. Also, 31-year-old men like sport and due to the advent of Sky Sports and Setanta (R.I.P) there is more for them to watch the idiot box in the corner. Unlike in their teenage years there is more time for television as the sex drive had diminished and gut increased.

Most 31 year olds I know like the iPlayer, but often find themselves impotent with rage shouting things like ‘I pay my license fee for this shit’ or ‘fuck me another repeat of Dads Army?’ As many 31 year olds have children they watch a lot more Cbeebies than you’d imagine though this is often ok with the dads because that Cerri is a hottie even with only one fully functioning arm.


No 31 year old I know of can be arsed to read a newspaper because it’s the same old shit everyday and who the balls cares if Jordan is getting divorced or immigrants are destroying the fabric of the country or if Princess Diana would approve of something or not.

The freesheets are popular with 31 year olds as they’re of that generation that’s too polite to say ‘please fuck right off with your crappy paper’, which is, of course what they’re thinking, but their mums taught them better than that. Over the past few weeks the Sun has lowered its price to 20p and it’s still too expensive to wipe your arse on.


Most 31 year olds grew up with an Amiga or Commodore 64 or if they were lucky a Sega Master System 2 with Sonic and nowadays find they’re buying the PS3 ‘because it’s got Bluray’ 31 year old women find 31 year old men that play ‘computer games’ are sad losers with no life. Though this is because they don’t understand shit, silly cows. A 31 year old has enough disposable income to buy a game when it comes out and doesn’t have to wait for it to be traded in at Game like those snotty teenagers.


The Internet is for Porn and Friends Reunited. Most 31 year olds don’t really bother with Facebook or Twitter as they have better things to do with their time. Actually that’s not true. Most 31 year olds are desperately trying to friend as many people as they can on Facebook to see if Claire Smith in 2DF really did let Brian Jack in 4FG do her up the bum that day on the trip to Alton Towers and if she’d be interested in a date.

Outside of trying desperately to reignite old flames the Internet is mostly a barren world serving only to remind 31 year olds what they could have achieved if they’d applied themselves like the teacher told them


31 year olds have, sometimes, to use hard copy directories to flatten spiders the size of my fist and to stand on to reach the top shelf in the kitchen where they keep the cumin, but like teenagers we know they’re full of shit. However, a lot of 31 year olds haven’t yet mastered the art of typing a question in to Google and ring their mates who ‘did computers at school’ to find out for them.

Viral/Outdoor Marketing

Most 31 year olds don’t have a clue about viral marketing other than the Swine Flu.


31 year olds are now not so happy to stand in a night club being deafened simply for the possible chance of a drunken and deeply unsatisfying shag ’round the bins’. Therefore they tend to have their own music collection and listen to it in the privacy of their own homes and not through their tinny and next to useless mobile phone speakers. 31 year olds in lower income brackets are less likely than those from higher income brackets to have nice stuff like iPods though both demographics are still having drunken and deeply unsatisfying shags though, no longer ’round the bins’


No 31 year old I know has the time to go to the cinema as they’ve mostly got kids (there are exceptions to the rule) and getting a baby sitter in for 3 hours is bloody expensive. Not to mention they don’t make good films anymore they just remake the old ones. If the cinema had a crèche like Ikea does then maybe they’d go more but at £7 a ticket it’d have to be a good film.


Mobile Phones

Most 31 year olds would have been happy to keep snake and use their phone for the odd SMS. 99% of 31 year olds have a phone but only 27% know all the features. They mostly spend their time trying to pair their new phone with their in-car Bluetooth kit and bemoaning the fact that the new phone has a different charger to the last one. Features such as video are used fleetingly by 31 year olds as they try to convince the other half to make a mucky film, but in the low light it’s not flattering to either party and as the saying goes the phone camera removes 2 inches. Something to do with vignetting?

Most 31 year olds don’t even look at their bill as they can afford not to and even if they did they hardly remember what tariff they signed up to in the first place. 31 year olds often buy insurance with their phones because they screwed a few in their teenager years and there’s no way they’re paying out like mum and dad did all those years ago.


Most 31 year olds have an LCD TV that’s far too big for their front rooms, usually 47 inches and they sit a maximum of 3 feet away from it. They can afford it because they have proper jobs. It’s HD ready, but they haven’t got a clue what that means it was just the salesman in the shop mentioned it and they were too polite (or more likely afraid) to ask what HD was. A 31 year old with a gun to their head couldn’t tell you the difference between HD and SD footage. Most 31 year olds have a Sky package of some description because a young lad knocked on the door one day and they were too polite to turn him away. They also have Freeview, but it’s mostly shite.


Every 31 year old reminisces about the shit computer they got when they were a teenager. Or if they weren’t lucky enough to have one at home then they complain about the shitty BBC Micros at school. They didn’t have Internet access or decent games like wot you get nowadays.

Games consoles

See computers. Same thing innit?

What is hot?

Erika Eleniak
That Cerri off of Cebeebies

What is not?
Anything with wires

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